The reality of being a mother.

All my life before being pregnant, I think I had a romanticized view of what being a mother would look like.  I guess I thought it would be a lot more comfortable than it is.  I thought being pregnant, I would rub my belly constantly and dream of all the things I would do with my child.  That 24/7 I would contemplate who this person is and how much I love him or her already.  I thought I would be walking around on a cloud, full of smiles. 

But stepping into pregnancy, I realized I didn’t react how I thought I would. There was a lot of time spent quenching symptoms, still living life like normal, and uncomfortable nights.  I would waddle around Target looking for the appropriate nipples for the bottles my baby would eventually use and attempt to wear that skirt that fit me all the years previous – to find it no longer did.  Of course, there were moments of extreme excitement and anticipation, but not as often as I thought.  It was uncomfortable. 

Yet amidst it, there was a depth.  As I strived to survive pregnancy, there was an extreme depth of awe and wonder that floated over me.  I would ask, “How in the world is there really a person being created inside of me?”  “Here I am walking around in my days, and right inside of me there are fingers and toes being formed – how can this be – I’m really not doing much?” 

And then labor.  Labor pains: a force not to be reckoned with.  How can you go through that experience and not be totally humbled, totally humiliated, totally embarrassed, an experience that really cannot be explained to anyone.  It is scary.  It was uncomfortable.

But the outcome, oh the outcome –to see the sweetest, sinless human come from inside me, and placed on my chest.  That moment, is beyond words, from the depths of exhaustion all of a sudden you see rest.  You see purity amongst the darkest of hell.  You see light, you see God, you see peace.  It is as if you were just sent into hell to fight the demons, to realize you have defeated the enemy and come out on the other end with ultimate relief.  It is over now.

And then you come home to find your spouse, the one you love and know and cherish.  You find him falling in love with this sweet gift.  You see his face light up, like it does when he sees you - and you know it is love, a deep love; another sigh of relief.  To watch your husband so gently take care of her, beyond words.  It is as if life now has color, life now has meaning, life now as I know it is all new again, the starting of an entirely new life.  The old self is gone and this new life is before me. 

Holding her in my arms, I see how God must hold us, how he must cherish us. 

And then, the reality of a newborn sets in.  Why is she crying?  Am I holding her right?  Is her poop the right color?  Oh yay, I have 30 minutes to take a shower because I smell like rotten breast milk!  Again, why is she crying?  Am I doing this right?  Is it my fault that she is acting this way?  She’s in the next room napping, but my heart hurts because I want to hold her.  Again, why is she crying?

Out of all the times in my life I see the world very differently.  A new life has swept into my heart, a new purpose, a new vision, a new insight into all things in this world, into God, into His love, into suffering.  It is uncomfortable.

I am uncomfortable. 

I suppose a mother will rarely have a warm meal again, or cereal that is not soggy.  I didn’t realize this.  The old self is literally ripped away, there is really no time to live selfishly any longer. 

Uncomfortable.

So motherhood has taken on a new definition for me:

 It is a tool sent by God to experience ultimate love:  laying down your life for someone else. 

A tool I definitely see useful for salvation.

                                                                                                 Thank you Lord.

Today

I do not know what will happen tomorrow, but I am thankful for today.  Today I am healthy with breath in my lungs.  I am thankful for today.  I do not know what tomorrow holds.  Thank you.

Homemade Wreath

Directions:

Find a bunch of vines and interweave them together to make the structure. Next find or buy some flowers to weave them into the structure. That is it! Super easy!

Your Cloud of Witnesses

I have felt alone.
I have feared loneliness.
It is better to be in the company of someone than to be alone where I will be attacked.

I see now that I am never alone.
Your cloud of witnesses are all around me.
You are always with me.

Pumpkins !

In my attempts to decorate for the fall season...

I suppose a friend was hungry.

Exposure

Inside of You I see it.

You are the result of something that seems

beyond the bounds of possibility.

I once held myself too open. I forgot

that dark exposure is outside of You.

Inside of You I see it.

You are the healer of our exposed 

minds.  You can close the window that 

was once exposed.  Make your

 home there, teach me your gift of 

giving thanks. I find You amidst it.  

Confronting and Controlling Thoughts

Where are your thoughts today?

"The mind is the battlefield where man first meets with sin.  It is the frontier wherein mankind encounters its grim archenemy, the devil.

           It is not strange that the enemy should choose man's mind as the battlefield for waging his ferocious struggles.  Psychologists say that the mind is the crown atop the human body which directs our actions and behavior whether we are awake or asleep; it controls feelings, awareness, emotions, the will, and thoughts as well.  Thus is man's mind the center that controls human behavior.

             Therefore if man is defeated in this battlefield, it is the devil that is then in possessions of all man's talents and capabilities.  Along with this the devil, as we know him, is a mental force with powers that are extraordinary and varied.  However, in spite of all this, he still does not have access to us except through our minds.  This is an important fact that many of us need to be aware of - especially those struggling in the realm of virtue, righteousness, and chastity.  For although the devil is a formidable spiritual power, the sphere of his activity against man is quite limited.  He cannot approach anyone except through the mind, the only part of our nature that is susceptible to doing battle with him - the mind is the target of his attacks."

                         -Orthodox monk, Father Matta El-Maskeen

Guard your thoughts and be freed from the devil.  That is why God commanded us:

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  Phillipians 4:8

Receiving Joy.

"Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.  

A joyful heart is the inevitable result of a heart burning with love." 

-Mother Theresa

Love is selfless.  I have found that once I lose my self-love and realize that this life is all about the One who created me, I usually begin laughing.  

A joyful laugh.  

I laugh because once I come to the realization that I am not the center, a burden comes off of me and I am immediately filled with 

JOY.

Joy comes from His love.  

My mother in this picture is a perfect example.  I am dressed in my baptismal dress and my mother in her selfless love...gave everything to her children....all while exuding

JOY.  

We must just now receive this Joy, by submitting our selves to the One who first loved us.

Love.

Love says:

I will love you always.

I will not count your wrongs.

I will still be here for you even if you leave me.

I will cherish you as my enemy.

I will not speak badly of you.

You are more important than myself.

There is nothing that you can do that will make me stop loving you.

I will love you always.

-This is a picture of a very important community that I met in college and this is where I began to practice unconditional love.  We must at some point in our lives begin loving everyone around us, despite how they treat us, despite how we feel, and we must love with our whole heart.  

We receive this love from our Father in Heaven.

Robin

There she is. Robin, who broke my heart.

I began to love her, the day she swore at me.

I saw her for who she was.  She loved her girls, 

I saw that.

There she is. Robin, who broke my heart.

I began to pray for her, the day she slapped her daughter.

I saw her for who she was.  She loved her girls, 

I did see that.

There she is.  Robin, who stole my heart.

I began to learn from her today, after 1 year.

I now see her as a little girl, who wants to play.

I see that now.

There she is.  Robin, who is loved.

I began to see her, the day she moved out.

I now miss her and pray her well.

I hope that now.

Starting with the Masses and ending with Heaven

Yesterday, I found myself amidst a mass of people at an art show...

I often find myself amidst a mass.  Whether that be in a bus, observing a mother with her child; whether that be in line waiting to buy my well deserved ice cream cone; or walking through the busy streets of New York City, hoping no one will make eye contact with me.  There are many masses I find myself in, and I notice that I despise them.

These last two years my husband and I had been living amidst a mass of people in New England.  As I would walk down and out of my apartment I would see on average 6 people outside just walking around.  I would drive to work I would get honked at almost every time; and as I would try to find peace at a coffee shop - guaranteed someone would ask for my empty seat, or even have the guts to ask to sit with me...why?  Because the coffee shop was filled with flesh.  I started to despise people, hiding myself under the blankets of my bed, but even then I could hear the music of the mass below.  I suppose this is where I began despising the masses.

But what is a mass?  By definition it is "Pertaining to, involving, or affecting a large number of people".      As I begin to contemplate this definition I notice that it includes a very important word: "people".  Individuals make up a mass and they are filled with a soul, given by a God of Love.  So then, why do I still despise the masses?

Yesterday, I found myself amidst of mass of people at an art show...

But this time I felt like I was in heaven for 3 hours.  I saw what Heaven will be like.  This mass was filled with faces I had long ago known with deep, genuine, and loving memories.  One after another, these faces showed up, my heart was only filled with love.  All my worries, all my pain, and all my baggage, slowly faded as I saw a slight appearance of Heaven amidst everyone around me.  I suppose Heaven will be filled with kinship.  I suppose Heaven will be filled with love.  I suppose Heaven will be filled with deep and rich historical friendship.  The love from God is in all of us, and it is what makes a "mass" beautiful.

The masses are just filled with the love of God in all of us.
I suppose we must just stop and dig into each piece of the mass to find Heaven on earth.